Navy Beats Army in Annual Pillow Fight

WEST POINT, N.Y. -- For the twelfth year straight, midshipmen from the U.S. Naval Academy at Annapolis, Md., have bested the U.S. Army's West Point cadets at the annual Army-Navy Pillow Fight.

The event, broadcast live on Youtube, Twitter, and drew in its largest audience yet, as West Point alumni once again hung their heads in shame, having experienced yet another humiliating defeat at the hands of the U.S. Navy.

One West Point alumnus, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said, "It's kind of embarrassing when one of your professors plots a military coup, or when Tom Ricks advocates closing the academy altogether. But losing to Navy? That's a red line."

Army Chief of Staff Gen. Mark Milley expressed regret at the horrendous loss.

"Jesus fucking Christ, we lost to Navy again? Christ, if I lose one more bet to the Naval Academy, we have to accept Bruce Fleming as a professor at West Point!"

"Do you have any idea how much of a douchebag that guy is?"

Army spokesperson Lt. Col. Christopher Kasker noted the brawl was the greatest tragedy to befall the institution since the infamous Firstie Food Fight of 1976.

Acknowledging the severity of the injuries of many West Point cadets, Kasker said, "We're very lucky the injuries were limited to broken bones and concussions. Fortunately, the cadets were all wearing reflective belts at the time, proving once again that reflective belts do, indeed, save lives."