Navy unable to locate clitoral combat ship

NORFOLK — The U.S. Navy has been thus far unable to locate its newest clitoral combat ship, the USS Bean, which went missing sometime in the past week, a spokesman confirmed today.

The Navy was responding to anonymous reports of the ship being misplaced somewhere in the Atlantic while on a shakedown cruise to the Canary Islands.

The Bean is a “Type C” Littoral Combat Ship, meaning it has been upgraded with defensive megawatt anti-air laser emitters. The upgrades include a vibration function that helps the clitoral ship get off to a good start and enables a smooth entrance for large equipment. Navy insiders and defense analysts call the new type of ship the “clitoral” class.

“It’s not uncommon for a ship’s network connectivity to go down due to a variety of reasons,” said Lt. Cmdr. Peter Fallow, “which could include maintenance, weather, operator error, or what-have-you. We are obviously aware of its continued existence but are unable to locate it at this time.”

The laser emitter upgrade, according to defense experts, has made the clitoral ships safer, but due to crossover with transmitters and power sources, sometimes makes them hard to find.

“It’s hard to keep the clitorals under your thumb,” Fallow added. “But we’re going to lick this problem, I can guarantee you that.”

Ensign Butch Coolidge, a navigation officer stationed at Norfolk, confirmed that clitorals are notoriously hard to locate.

“Oh yeah,” said Coolidge, “we don’t publicize it much, but these ships drop off the radar all the time. We don’t panic about it until they’ve been out of contact for over 72 hours. Right now, the bigwigs are probably just waiting for the boat not to make its scheduled arrival at Grand Canary.”

“We have a search protocol,” said Command Master Chief James Cole. “After the allotted wait time to allow the Bean to make contact, we send out planes and other boats. They go in tiny circles until the job is done. No big deal.

“You should see how many problems we have finding the G-class,” Cole added.

Reports from President Trump’s twitter account that the Chinese Navy had sunk the vessel are unconfirmed at this time. The President did say, however, that the ship would be located with all speed and vigor.


In other naval news, a little man in a boat is feared lost after losing contact with shore radiomen at Naval Submarine Base Kings Bay, Georgia.

Lee Ho Fuk, She-Ra, and Jake Slager also contributed reporting to this article.