WORLDWIDE – Doomsday prophecies were actualized in an unholy and gruesome ceremony as the United States Navy inducted its freshest batch of minions into the Chief’s Mess, sources confirmed Friday.

Awestruck commands worldwide stood paralyzed with fear as each Chief Petty Officer selectee for fiscal year 2013 opened his or her mysterious wooden box, consuming the souls of the countless sailors they had drained during their years of service. The lacquered boxes, affixed with each Selectee’s name and warfare designation, have been on their person since board results were announced six weeks ago.

“I always wondered what the deal with those boxes was,” shrugged Petty Officer Second Class Dan Patterson.