Navy denies NFL hopeful's request to delay service due to need for clueless Ensign

They're running low on bumbling O-1s

By Red Friday

ANNAPOLIS, Md. — The Navy cited its desperate need for another clueless ensign to be assigned to a ship where they’re sure to screw everything up in denying a Naval Academy graduate’s request to defer his service and play in the NFL, sources confirmed today.

Cameron Kinley, a star cornerback on the Naval Academy football team, had signed with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers as an undrafted free agent. But his waiver to defer his active duty service commitment has been denied, according to defense officials, which means that instead of attending training camp, Kinley will serve on active duty as a bumbling O-1 who doesn’t have a goddamn clue.


“We made a significant investment in Ensign Kinley’s education,” said acting Secretary of the Navy Thomas Harker. “Although he has the rare combination of elite talent and athleticism that could result in him playing football at the highest level, and we’d reap the enormous publicity and goodwill that we received when we allowed Malcolm Perry, Keenan Reynolds, and Joe Cardona to go pro, I decided it’s better to have Ensign Kinley on active duty fucking up everything he touches.”

He added: “Plus, it’ll have the added benefit of discouraging future athletes from attending the Naval Academy.”

Although millions of people could see a Naval Academy graduate playing defense for the defending Super Bowl champions and the average NFL career is about two to three years, Harker said it was impossible for the Navy to wait that long.

“I think we’ll get a better return on our investment having him as an Ensign routing bullshit paperwork, sitting in briefings he doesn’t understand, and getting pushed aside by his chief and department head the second anything important comes up,” Harker said.

Harker noted that his education cost the service money that needs to be redirected to defense contractors who are scamming the Navy into giving them money hand over fist.

“His active duty commitment is basically on-the-job training and we won’t see a return on our investment unless he stays in longer, which I’m sure he’ll do once we ruin his dreams.”

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