Navy hands down leftover rates to Coast Guard

WASHINGTON, DC — After the Navy abandoned its 200-year-old rating system in favor of no longer referring to sailors by their job titles, the service says the Coast Guard will now receive all the leftover and unused rates.

Sources say this is all keeping with the tradition of taking decommissioned and expired equipment and traditions from the Navy while still maintaining the Coast Guard’s unique identity.

For instance, with rates such as Engineman, Mineman, Torpedoman's Mate and Religious Program Specialist, the Coast Guard will absorb said rates and attempt to find purpose within their extensive mission tasking.

“Apparently there’s something called a Disbursing Clerk,” said Seaman Joshua Rivera-Gonzalez at Small Boat Station Rockland, pondering his future in the Coast Guard. “I don’t even know what the hell that is but Missile Technician sounds super badass!”

The change comes as no surprise to veteran Coast Guardsmen who have experienced numerous hand-me-downs from the Navy including command, control, and communications systems, numerous bases, and various fixed-wing aircraft.

The real question is “does the Coast Guard benefit from these rates or are we going to implement them because we refuse to say no and forcibly adapt?” asked Master Chief of the Coast Guard Steve Cantrell.

“Turning over the rates is bittersweet. They have served as a long and distinguished tradition within the U.S. Navy with much good work done in terms of pride in one’s rate. And I know that it means a lot for us to know that it will be in the service of the Coast Guard in continuing the custom of creating weird and obscure rates with painfully specific job titles,” Master Chief Petty Officer of the Navy Mike Steven said.

Currently there are already several classes opening up at Training Center Yorktown and Petaluma for Aircrew Survival Equipmentman, Lithographer, and Equipment Operator.

”What the shit is an ‘Equipment Operator’?” asked Seaman Rivera-Gonzalez. “I mean, isn’t that, like, everyone?”

As the Navy intends on aligning itself with the civilian sector for better relations, sources say the Coast Guard continues to adapt old systems in a general and all-around fear of change.