Navy Orders More Maintenance To Ensure Machinery Stays Properly Broken

SAN DIEGO — The Navy’s top maintenance officer claims sailors have to work harder to keep their equipment broken.

“I’ve done my best to ensure sailors receive no training on maintenance they have to do," Adm. Dwayne Rodney said earlier today. “Now they need to spend more time maintaining their equipment without knowing how, so it breaks. Then we’ll hire contractors to fix it. This is the most cost effective way to keep our fleet limping along in a state of semi-readiness.”

Speaking to reporters, Rodney said he was proud to see his policies in action during a recent visit to the USS Decatur.

“I watched a pair of sailors do some preventive maintenance on electrical equipment," Rodney said. "First they turned it on to see if it worked, which it did. Next, they took it apart to wipe out some dust. After they put it back together it didn’t work, as God intended. Unfortunately, they were being unsafe while working with hazardous materials. They used a tube of grease and didn’t have the address of the company that made it."

"What if they needed to send the manufacturer a letter? Safety first shipmates," he added.

Other sailors were observed preparing the boat report by turning on the water-cooled engine, sticking a hose in it, and running it at max RPM for five minutes. "If they didn’t do that every day the boat might work on a regular basis.”

Source confided that Rodney’s plan took years to implement. First, he had supply change all orders for replacement parts to orders for rubber gaskets and screws. Second, he ordered every ship to spend the majority of their funding on TV’s and leather chairs for the supply office. Third, he created the ‘spot check’ program, where sailors would have to follow every regulation required to do maintenance, turning each five minute maintenance check into six or seven hours.

The constant breaking of equipment has been great for Navy Chiefs, who are now able to gather in passageways several times a day to get in the way of sailors trying to fix things.

“The only flaw in this plan is minimal manning,” Rodney told Duffel Blog. “Personnel is removing as many people as possible from each ship, which means there is no possible way to do all the required maintenance. Machinery is sitting idle, which means it’s remaining in working order for longer than it should. I’m doing my best to fix this problem.”