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The Duffel Brief · the free edition, Monday, Wednesday and Friday

Vol. 15 · No. 117 · Wednesday, 30 September 2026

Army

Backed-up toilet appointed new Secretary of the Army

Pentagon says clogged fixture brings “continuity, stability and ability to swallow enormous amounts of shit”

Space Force’s new uniform puts a little goose back in the step

Military leaders debate who gets to masturbate first in sniper arch

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Vol. 15 · No. 117

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Vol. 15 · No. 117 · Deployed worldwide

Wednesday

30 September 2026

1439 Zulu

Next edition Friday

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Navy & Marines · Page 5

Navy to save money by abandoning man overboard rescues

Filed · 1535

NORFOLK, VA – In a move which the Navy claims will save valuable taxpayer dollars while helping to reallocate more than $7 billion in funding, ships underway will soon have the discretion to 'abandon', so to speak, man overboard rescues.

The decision, which will officially start next month, was approved this morning by Adm. John Richardson, Chief of Naval Operations. It follows the discovery of Petty Officer 3rd Class Peter Mims hiding in the engine room of the USS Shiloh, a week after the sailor was reported overboard. Eight U.S. and Japanese warships spent four days searching for him.

According to Adm. Richardson, the idea originally came up during budget planning for Fiscal Year 18.

"Adm. Moran had just finished one possible force reshaping plan to contract troops-in-contact reports to the NMCI Help Desk, when he also mentioned that last year we spent $25 million on man overboard rescues," Adm. Richardson told reporters.

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