NORFOLK, VA. – In his first action as Commander of U.S. Surface Forces, Rear Adm. Richard Brown has announced that all ships will phase out official command photos in favor of official command mugshots, sources confirmed today.
“In the wake of recent incidents, the public has questioned the readiness of our fleet,” Brown said. “But now they better believe we’re ready — ready to send our commanders straight to federal prison.”
Though the new policy will supposedly expedite the booking process of its leaders and save the Navy literally dozens of dollars, not everyone is thrilled with the changes.
“I got all spruced up to get my command picture taken,” lamented Cmdr. Jerry Lutz. “But instead of a photographer, I got manhandled by a bunch of [Master-at-Arms sailors] who pelted me with delousing powder, and checked my anus for drugs. But hey, I’ve got command now.”
In order to better prepare its skippers for the inevitable legal troubles associated with command, the Navy has added a new class to its Prospective Executive Officers Course: Incarceration Indoctrination for the Senior Officer. The curriculum is supposedly modeled after SERE training but with stringent PT standards mostly relating to yard weight lifting.
Defense officials say the Uniform Board has even agreed to spend several million dollars to acquire orange coveralls for the Navy’s leaders. But with any luck, the project will soon be picked up fleet-wide to replace the new Type III NWU next year.
“We are not worried about the precedent set by these negligent homicide charges,” said U.S. Surface Forces in a statement, which also decriminalized the following: “Forty lashes, walking the plank, and keelhauling.”
“I for one, am not afraid of the new command paradigm, I’m just honored to serve,” beamed Prospective XO, Lt. Cmdr. Clark Jemison, “Up to three years in a federal prison,” he added.
Midshipman W.T. Door contributed to reporting