Duffel Blog sits down with Navy SEAL and part-time wedding planner, Matt Sharpe, for the inside scoop on planning a shower like an operator.

"So, your bestie is getting hitched, and you want to throw the perfect (and hopefully only) bridal shower for that lucky little whore," Sharpe says. "These are my top tips for getting the shower on and off the X."

1. Constantly develop your skill set. Start by learning to make a respectable cosmo, you skank.

“If you want to ritz it up like some prissy broad from Sex and the City, or feel like you’re living out some hackneyed romantic comedy, you damn well better drink like you’re in one,” Sharpe says. That all begins with the right cocktail, and there’s no drink better suited for your clique of vapid valley girls masking their envy underneath a palpable façade of false cheer than a little bit of vodka, triple sec and cranberry juice.