Navy selects Nintendo 64 operating system for shipboard computing
Defending against swarming carts and explosive barrels flung at ships
By As For Class
WASHINGTON — In a shocking move, the Navy has announced that it will be replacing the outdated Windows XP operating system with the beloved Nintendo 64 system on all of its ships.
“We think this will give us the best chance to defend ourselves against swarming carts and explosive barrels flung at our ships,” said Rear Adm. Jacob Goldensberg, a Navy spokesman. “In this era of renewed great power competition, we need to be ready for anything.”
According to Navy officials, the N64 system was chosen for its advanced graphics, reliable gameplay, and ability to withstand rough seas and enemy cyber attacks.
"We were tired of dealing with the constant crashes and security vulnerabilities of Windows XP. We threw the N64 through a barrage of the most intense tests the Navy could come up with, and every time it out-performed Windows in every single category," Goldensberg said.
"This is as close to analog as we could get. Sure, sometimes you have to pull out the cartridge still and blow on it, but the N64 system is much more stable and has a proven track record of being able to handle even the most intense 2v2 battles.”
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The move has been met with mixed reactions from the fleet.
"I'm not sure how comfortable I am with navigating a billion-dollar warship with a plastic controller from the 90s," said Lt. Jason Ramirez.
Other sailors expressed concern over the lack of productivity software available on the system, as well as the difficulty of typing on the controller's small buttons.
Despite these concerns, the Navy remains confident in its choice.
"We're confident that our sailors will be able to adapt to the new system," said Goldensberg. "Plus, they'll have access to some pretty rad games like Super Smash Bros. and Mario Party. It's a win-win."
In a statement, Nintendo said that it was honored to have been chosen as the Navy's new operating system: "We're thrilled to be able to bring our innovative technology to the military,” the company said. “We have no doubt that the N64 will serve the Navy well in their mission to protect and defend their country.”
Still, the decision has raised eyebrows in the tech community.
"I'm not sure how well a gaming console from the 90s is going to fare as a shipboard operating system," a Microsoft engineer told reporters on condition of anonymity.
A Navy communications officer dismissed those concerns.
“You all have way more confidence in the navy than you should,” Lt. Cmdr. Susan Johanson said. “This will actually be a leap in technology for us. We’ve been using 1970s technology for far too long. It’s about time we reach the 90s.”
The transition to the N64 operating system is expected to take place over the next few months, and Navy officials are urging sailors to start practicing their Mario Kart skills in preparation.
The N64's iconic controller will also be utilized as a navigation device, with sailors using the joystick to steer the ship and the A and B buttons to fire the cannons.
The Navy plans to hold a tournament to determine which sailor is the best at using the N64's controller to navigate the ship.
"We want to see who can get the highest score in Mario Kart while steering a destroyer," said Chief Petty Officer Smith. "It's going to be a lot of fun."
"We know this is a big change, but we're confident that our sailors will adapt quickly. And, let’s be real for a moment. Do you know how much F-35s cost? We cannot possibly afford anything more expensive for our operating systems. This is as good as it gets, and we’re confident it will be good enough for government work," said Goldensberg. "Just remember: no cheating with the blue shell!"
As For Class is a boy named Sue, named Ashley. When he isn’t writing for Duffel Blog he also writes fiction.
Grumpy contributed to reporting.