WASHINGTON, DC – In a press release Wednesday morning, Chief of Naval Operations Jonathan Greenert announced that the United States Navy will change its standard operating language from English to Tagalog to account for the ever-growing Filipino majority.
Admiral Greenert has set the deadline for 100 percent compliance by October 2014, with the provision that any sailor unable to demonstrate a working knowledge of Tagalog can expect to “go about living life as an ignorant, backwards civilian with no appreciation for other cultures or lumpia.”
Junior sailors already proficient in the language will be automatically promoted to the next superior paygrade to facilitate the education of their newly-illiterate subordinates. E-6 sailors will advance to Master Chief Petty Officer (E-9) and be expected to dominate the Chief’s Mess with an unrelenting iron fist to squash any notions of discontent or rebellion from the minority. Incumbent Chiefs will all receive commissions as Lieutenant Commanders (O-4s), annex the wardroom, and “reeducate” young and impressionable junior officers, while senior officers will breach the highest echelons of the Navy's hierarchy.
By inducting every sailor into the Manila Mafia, the Navy aims to ensure significant improvements to sailors' quality of life, to include kickbacks, supply hook ups, extra food, and individual laundry services. An excerpt from Admiral Greenert's revised mission statement reads: "Never again will hungry sailors waste precious minutes of their lunch waiting in line to slurp down unidentifiable slop; with lifetime membership to the Mafia, every sailor will be eligible to receive personally hand-crafted meals straight from the wardroom galley."
“Admittedly, it’s probably too late for most of our [black and white] minority sailors. A lot of them already have trouble grasping even the most fundamental concepts of the English language," reveals Rear Admiral Sandy Cornell, Deputy Chief of Naval Personnel. "Sailors falling into the 'other-than-Filipino' ethnic category will be required to complete a résumé writing CBT (computer-based training) in conjunction with their Tagalog Navy Knowledge Online (NKO) courses. It’s a very real possibility they’ll have to find employment in the private sector. Coincidentally, this is a great boon for the budget cuts we’re facing.”
The NKO curriculum will begin with rudimentary course materials like Everyone Taes and Tagalog translations of Dr. Seuss works, then rapidly progress into Filipino history, demography, political and fiscal policy, and classic Filipino literature. A language training course, to be taught by Brad Paisley and LL Cool J, will culminate in a 100-page thesis – written in Tagalog – on the importance of diversity in the workplace.
Additionally, Leading Petty Officers are expected to translate all technical publications pertaining to their work center prior to October 2014.
"We have to cultivate these culturally-sensitive and multi-faceted sailors from ground-zero, which is why effective immediately, Recruit Training Command will be relocating from Great Lakes, Illinois to Quezon City in the Philippines," adds Rear Admiral Dave Mayberry, Commander, Naval Service Training Command. "Recruits are reminded to pack copious amounts of sunscreen and international calling cards."
While it remains to be determined whether sailors "surviving the cut" will be awarded dual-citizenship for their academic efforts, numerous sources have confirmed that the NFL season and Direct-to-Sailor sports channels will be replaced by a 24/7 Manny Pacquiao highlight reel.