WASHINGTON, DC – In a press release Wednesday morning, Chief of Naval Operations Jonathan Greenert announced that the United States Navy will change its standard operating language from English to Tagalog to account for the ever-growing Filipino majority.

Admiral Greenert has set the deadline for 100 percent compliance by October 2014, with the provision that any sailor unable to demonstrate a working knowledge of Tagalog can expect to “go about living life as an ignorant, backwards civilian with no appreciation for other cultures or lumpia.”

Junior sailors already proficient in the language will be automatically promoted to the next superior paygrade to facilitate the education of their newly-illiterate subordinates. E-6 sailors will advance to Master Chief Petty Officer (E-9) and be expected to dominate the Chief’s Mess with an unrelenting iron fist to squash any notions of discontent or rebellion from the minority. Incumbent Chiefs will all receive commissions as Lieutenant Commanders (O-4s), annex the wardroom, and “reeducate” young and impressionable junior officers, while senior officers will breach the highest echelons of the Navy's hierarchy.