NORFOLK, Va. — Waving flags and hoisting colorful hand-made signs, community members gathered today on Norfolk Naval Station to welcome home the men and women of the carrier USS Dwight D. Eisenhower, who tonight, sources say, will unquestionably get drunk, break stuff, and drive.

“We’re out here to let these patriots know how much we appreciate everything they do for us,” said local bartender Stan Donnelly, ecstatic for the returning business but unaware of the shattered clavicle he’ll receive later when he refuses to serve an already visibly intoxicated Quartermaster First Class Jacob Buntz.

The Eisenhower returns from eight months deployed to the U.S. Fifth and Sixth Fleet areas of responsibility with, according to its crew members, criminally few port calls and extremely limited access to alcohol – a fact sailors will reportedly point to tonight as license to get over-the-top shithoused and engage in reckless behavior with no regard whatsoever for their own or anyone else’s safety.

“I’m gonna get stupid,” affirmed Gunner’s Mate Second Class Brent Keller, manning the Ike’s rails in pristine service whites. “We're talking pants-off, nuts-to-the-wall drunk.”