Navy Will Charge Sailor So Allen West Won't Look Stupid

THE PENTAGON — After numerous false reports claimed a naval officer would be brought up on charges for using a weapon against Chattanooga gunman Muhammad Abdulazeez, the US Navy decided to just go ahead and file the charges against Lt. Cdr. Timothy White so Allen West and other outraged veterans would not look stupid on social media.

Citing unnamed sources on his blog, West urged Veteran Justice Warriors to overwhelm the phone lines of Navy Secretary Ray Mabus and Secretary of Defense Ash Carter.

"Demand the charges being brought against White be immediately dropped!" said West. " If those charges are not dropped, I will personally lead the charge to have Carter and Mabus removed from their positions."

White returned fire when Abdulazeez attacked his office.

Originally the Navy responded that the allegations were false but quickly changed course.

"Stories of Navy personnel being charged with an offense are not true. There is still a long way to go in reviewing the facts of this tragic incident. Fuck it, we're just gonna burn him," the Navy said in a series of tweets posted to social media. Department of the Navy Chief Information Officer Rob Foster, explained the Navy's about face on the matter.

"We didn't want to waste all the outrage they were building up on a false story," said Foster. "So the Navy decided we'd just go ahead and charge him so they all wouldn't feel so silly over nothing."

"Besides," Foster added, "we need to protect the integrity of the outraged veteran community. If it came out Allen West was full of crap, what would Veteran Justice Warriors have to be outraged about, each other?"

In a related story, the Marine Corps will file charges against every Marine recruited out of the Chattanooga recruiting station in the last six months. When questioned on the charges, "sources" within Headquarters Marine Corps said it was because they were still crapping third phase chow.

"They're friggin' boots," said the source. "And boots don't rate."