Student Veterans Convert Northeastern University's Veteran Center Into Brothel

BOSTON — Northeastern University's experiment to create a safe space for veteran students was shut down after the veterans converted the building into a brothel, according to a University spokesman.

“The Veterans Center was a place where they could go where they wouldn't feel marginalized,” Northeastern President Joseph Aoun said. “It was a state of the art building with padded walls, straightjackets, and doors that locked from the outside. Veterans could attend class online to keep them away from the student body. This would allow veterans to have a safe space and keep them contained for campus safety. Unfortunately, something went wrong.”

Just days after the Veteran Center opened, construction workers were seen entering the building with metal poles and hot tubs. An audit revealed the Northeastern Student Veteran's Association spent their entire budget sponsoring work visas for Thai women.

“We had several reports of odd purchases,” Northeastern University Police Chief Paddy O'Shea Finnegan said. “Huntington Wine and Spirits reported they were sold out. Clerks at Wollaston's said guys with short haircuts were buying bananas but warning each other not to eat them.”

Members of the ROTC battalion attempted to enter but were only allowed access if they brought cookies from Stetson East. The cadets left the building wide eyed, with an understanding why officers are taught to be scared of enlisted soldiers.

Police were called to the Veteran Center after shirtless men were seen shooting fireworks off the top of the building. Police tried to enter but found the doors were barricaded shut.

“The veterans were taunting my officers,” Finnegan said. “They shouted insults like 'You can't get rid of us, you can't even get rid of the cockroaches in Smith' and telling the officers they were so incompetent and out of shape they should be in the Navy.”

Three hours into the police standoff the Veteran Center caught fire and exploded. Firefighters examining the rubble found no bodies and holes in the floor that led to the sewer system. The veteran students are still at large and considered to be armed and dangerous.