KANDAHAR — Defense contractors have developed a neurotoxin that destroys the brain’s motivation centers, eliminating independent thought for affected human beings, Duffel Blog has learned.

The chemical, dubbed Patriot Gas, has been secretly spread at humanitarian events throughout Afghanistan, resulting in a peaceful and compliant population.

“There was a time when democracy was just an idea,” Raytheon representative Phil Buckley explained to Duffel Blog, before a private demonstration of Patriot Gas. “Now it’s an industrial by-product.”