New ‘1-Click Enlistment‘ program set to increase military recruiting

FORT KNOX, Ky. — Facing a downward trend in recruiting numbers, the U.S. armed forces have partnered with Amazon to create the new "1-Click Enlistment" program, allowing high school students to enlist in any of the military branches with just a single click online. This innovative approach was formed after research from U.S. Army Recruiting Command (USAREC) revealed that current recruiting methods don't appeal to the Gen-Z audience they hope to enlist.

"We advertise our past history of winning wars, preach about duty, honor, and country, and promise a steady pay check and a respectable job. It turns out that kids these days just don't give a shit about that any more," according to USAREC Commander Maj. Gen. Frank M. Muth. "We knew we needed an approach that appeals more to their impulsivity and the excessive amount of time they spend online."

Recruiting officials decided to turn to the private sector to solve their issues, and were immediately drawn to the large sums of money Amazon pulls in each year from impulse buys made through its "1-Click Ordering" program. Muth reached out to Amazon, offering a lucrative contract for providing a similar service to the military.

Amazon proved more than happy to provide the service, noting that they value "serving their country" and "preying on the impulses of teenagers." The other services have since joined the movement.

The "1-Click Enlistment" links are posted in various locations on each service's official recruiting website. After viewing a montage of photos featuring video games, fast cars, and exclusive beach parties, a button pops up which states “Like what you see? Enlist now with 1-click®!" After the new service member clicks, they are immediately provided with relevant information via email, including their career field, report date, and the location of their initial training. They are also provided with a disclaimer notifying them that their click was a legally binding enlistment and that failure to report is a criminal offense.

Recruiting officials state that gathering personal information on new 1-click enlistees, such as age, gender, medical history, and criminal records, is actually quite easy. Through partnerships with organizations such as Facebook, Grub Hub, and the NSA, the service already has this information on file for each person who visits the recruiting website even before they click to enlist.

Officials are confident that this program will put a swift end to recruiting woes and help bolster the all-volunteer force. When questioned about the ethics of the program, the Department of Defense maintains that anyone who was dumb enough to enlist accidentally will benefit from military discipline.