NEWBURYPORT, MA – Though it has been only a week since Seaman Apprentice Stacy Peters has graduated from Coast Guard Boot Camp, she is already drafting up dream careers she will most certainly change her mind about in roughly five minutes, sources confirmed.
“I’ve always wanted to be a journalist!” Peters told reporters. “I want to be a Public Affairs Officer, so I can tell the real stories behind the scenes of the Coast Guard, ya know? The nitty gritty!”
Before finishing her thought, she made clear that if that doesn’t work out, she’s got a few back up plans. “I love sea life, so I think I could be a Marine Safety Technician. I’ll be saving dolphins and seals from pollution. That’s where my heart really is.”
“She’s never really finished anything in her life,” explained Peters’ father. “She wanted to become an artist, dancer, Olympic gymnast, and a welder. So I’m proud she’s actually completed basic training.”
While her parents expressed pride in their daughter’s decision to join the Coast Guard, their faith in her ability to maintain a specific goal is non-existent.
“I also want to be a doctor,” says Peters, spiraling further into vocational delusion, “I figure if I can’t do those other jobs, I’ll just be a Health Service Technician and save lives that way.”
No one at Coast Guard Station Newburyport has the heart to tell her the school list for all those rates are at least a three-year wait. “She’s just so adamant,” says Chief Boatswains Mate Cecil Lemoi. “This is probably the sixth time I’ve seen this happen. I mean, you’d think indecisiveness was a super power.”
Continuing to not follow through with anything she puts her mind to, Peters excitedly declares, “If all else fails, I’ll just go to Officer Candidate School. That’s where all the intellectual Coasties go.”
Lemoi sighs and states, “But you know what … she's still more assured than an academy graduate."
At press time, Peters assured reporters that she would be an intelligence specialist, electronics technician, or work in maritime enforcement. "Or maybe food service," she added.