New joint cyber camo just pixelated dicks

FORT MEADE, Md. — The Defense Department unveiled its first joint utilities uniform, approved for all service members staffing cyber missions. The "Combined Uniform Camouflage" pattern breaks with the past by being covered in blurred dicks.

“As a soldier, I love new uniforms and we needed a fresh look that reflects the cyber battlespace and our truly interservice approach to it,” said Cyber Command commander General Paul M. Nakasone.

“I think we nailed it.”

Earlier this year he convened a joint expert panel, led by Marine Corps Deputy Commandant for Information, Lieutenant General Lori Reynolds, to propose designs and oversee execution.

The panel included representatives from the Army Uniform Board and the Air Force band. Nakasone received a defense secretary-level waiver to exclude the Navy as a precaution against its recent history of terrible uniforms. An enlisted Marine took the Chief of Naval Operations’ place.

Each representative submitted two design proposals that reflected the services’ shared values around cybersecurity as well as its associated threats. Designs ranged from Secret Internet Protocol Router Network boxes to Russian troll farms to tiny cats pushing things off tables, but the reality of the military operating environment skewed the votes toward dongs.

Staff Sergeant Elize McKelvey, Marine Corps Combat Artist and digital art expert who created General Neller’s portrait earlier this year, was disheartened, but not surprised by the outcome.

“I proposed an artistic rendering of the first line of code ever used on a military computer, but I should have known it was always going to be dicks,” McKelvey said.