New Marine Corps budget calls for more beefy boys with machine guns

“We’re in an era of great power-lifter competition."

By Cat Astronaut

QUANTICO, Va. — In an effort to modernize the force for the future battlefield, a newly released Marine Corps budget for 2022 calls for more “beefy boys with machine guns,” sources confirmed today.

“We’re faced with a growing threat from near-peer competitors like Russia and China,” said Marine Commandant Gen. David Berger. “It’s clear that the only way to deter and, if necessary, defeat them is with a fleet of hulked-up beefcakes shooting M240s from the hip.”

The Marine Corps’ budget allocation for shredded studmuffins has been on the decline ever since the Vietnam War, with more recent cuts being justified to fund “weak sauce” programs such as the Naval Strike Missile, antisubmarine warfare, and the F-35. But Berger thinks it’s not new technologies, but glistening hard bodies pulling triggers that will make the difference in the future fight.  

“Can an F-35 deadlift 600 pounds and put a .50-cal on target at a thousand yards from defilade?” said Berger. “I think not.”

“Our overall budget might be getting leaner, but our Marines will continue to bulk.”

Recent intelligence reports have confirmed that Berger’s strategy may prove prescient.

Satellite imagery from the South China Sea has shown that, over the past year, Chinese sailors have been squatting twice a week, and they’ve nearly doubled their protein intake and gains in muscle mass.

“We were initially worried about an arms race after we saw how ripped their biceps had gotten,” said Col. Tony DiSuzio, who has been studying tight-bodied enemy musclemen for over a decade. “But now we realize it’s not just an arms race, but a legs race, a pecs race, a lats race, and a glutes race, too.” 


But not everyone in the defense community is convinced that Berger’s plan to beef up the Corps will work.

“The Marine Corps is stuck in the past, still focused on engorged veins and turgid triceps,” said Dr. Terrence Beckman, a researcher who claims his opinion is not influenced by the fact that he’s a scrawny limpdick who couldn’t do a barrel change in combat if his life depended on it. “No amount of spending will change the fact that Russians naturally have better abs.”

Despite the criticism, Berger is convinced his service is on the right track.

“Some people might ask, ‘Aren’t those hotted out hunks harder to drag off the battlefield if they get injured?’ And to that I say, ‘Not if the person dragging them is even hotter and hunkier,’” said Berger. “We’re in an era of great power-lifter competition.

“In the end, war is all about blowing stuff up and looking cool doing it. I’ll be damned if the Marine Corps doesn’t have the fittest bros you’ve ever seen throwing rounds downrange with a machine gun pulsating in their throbbing arms.”   

Donnell, Blondes Over Baghdad, and Jack S. McQuack contributed reporting.

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