New military pay charts to compensate women 23% less than men

WASHINGTON — The Pentagon has released its 2020 military pay chart, which has introduced separate pay rates for men and women in the uniformed service for the first time in history, sources confirmed today.

The change, resulting in female service members receiving 23% less than their male counterparts, has been billed as ‘progressive and timely’ by Trump administration officials. The effort to create a large, gaping canyon in pay disparities was the result of a years-long Pentagon effort to combat low morale within the military ranks by aligning the military more with private-sector corporate America.

Military salaries were previously determined by a person’s rank and years of service. Now, salaries will be determined by biological make-up.

“More and more the military has fallen behind the private sector in pay gaps, prioritizing morale, and ensuring people are paid according to their overall usefulness,” said Defense Secretary Mark Esper. “The civilians got this one right a long time ago. These sex-based pay charts will ensure ‘honest pay for honest work.'"

The all-male Joint Chiefs of Staff did not respond to a Duffel Blog request for comment, although a leaked transcript of their weekly meeting on December 23, 2019, showed that, when questioned about the new military pay gap, all chiefs voted “present” but offered no commentary beyond that.

“Since women have lower scores on physical fitness standards and are also able to keep long hair, there is no need for them to be paid the same as males who have to cut their hair and pass harder PT tests,” said President Donald Trump at a recent press conference. “Life is much, much harder for the men serving this great nation and they should be paid more. So, it balances out.”

He added: “It only took about 10 minutes to create the new charts. We simply reduced the men’s pay charts by 23% and boom – we had our magic numbers. Many people are saying they want the military to be run more like a business. Request granted. It’s fiscally responsible, saves money, and will improve morale. It’s a very corporate feeling. I like that. I like that very, very much.”

The new pay charts will take effect in January 2021.