THE PENTAGON — Headquarters Marine Corps has announced the creation a new military occupational specialty which will enhance the Division of Public Affairs' ability to communicate the mission and interests of the Marine Corps to a diverse public. The 4311 MOS: Model, Basic Marine will allow eligible Marines to develop a career path modeling new unpopular uniform proposals, posturing for recruiting posters, or acting in sexual assault and suicide prevention training videos.
"We're looking for women with strong jawlines and men with weak ones," said Yvonne Carlock, deputy public affairs officer for Manpower and Reserve Affairs. "Marines of the 21st Century run toward the sounds of social justice."
With this very exclusive MOS, Public Affairs hopes to build understanding, credibility, and trust with the public by portraying the Marine Corps as a more diverse institution than it actually is.
Currently, qualified officers and non-commissioned officers are being vetted for various career tracks, such as "African-American Officer," "Female Hispanic Enlisted," "Asian Nonspecific," and eventually "Token White Male." Marines accepted for a lateral move to 4311 will immediately be awarded a Navy Achievement Medal or Navy Commendation Medal, depending on grade. Corporals and below will receive 200 points towards an already ridiculously low cutting score.
The announcement comes on the heels of a series of highly publicized blunders surrounding Marine Corps media. These included the use of civilian actors who were immediately accused of stolen valor and were the targets of online death threats. Missteps surrounded the hiring of a former Air Force veteran, when it was pointed out the actor was dressed in a Marine uniform but sporting an Air Force Good Conduct Medal.
Information about how to apply for the program, which formally begins in June 2015, was not immediately available to any Marine with a ground combat arms MOS especially snipers, since current public opinion regards them as morally bankrupt psychopaths.
"We're hoping to cut our numbers from a useful MOS that isn't part of the S-3 and doesn't support bloat in headquarters units, so maybe we'll take some motor transport Marines or radio operators from the infantry battalions." said Carlock.
Manpower Management Division is encouraging all interested Marines to fill out a standard command screening checklist which their commands will promptly ignore and forward as approved, regardless of their actual qualifications.
At press time, Marine Corps Recruiting Command was still debating whether to put the new models on a poster with the phrase "For our nation, for us all", "Move toward the sounds of things that aren't necessarily guns", or whether the higher quality models warranted the development of a new, even more lukewarm and uninspiring recruiting slogan.
Duffel Blog investigative journalist Dark Laughter contributed reporting.