NATIONAL TRAINING CENTER — Based on lessons learned from the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, the Pentagon unveiled a newly-overhauled Meals Ready to Eat (MRE) concept intended to fuel soldiers in future conflicts. The new Meals Ready to Absorb (MRA) replace the often scarcely digestible MRE food with what most combat forces want anyway: tobacco, caffeine, and jalapeno-cheddar spread.

“There were some favorites in the old MREs, to be sure,” said Col. Nathan “Marlboro” Franks, who led the Pentagon’s evaluation of logistics and sustainment operations for the conflicts in the Middle East. “But for every Chicken Cavatelli, there was a Jambalaya. Disgusting. So we decided to really dig into the MRE experience and see what it was that people really liked about it. The answer? Jalapeño-cheese spread and Tabasco sauce. That’s it.”

But as Franks noted, a military can’t function on cheese spread and pepper sauce alone. What was missing?

“Cigarettes,” wheezed Thomas Winston, a civilian program manager for the Defense Logistics Agency who served in the Army during Vietnam. “More specifically, nicotine. We stopped providing cigarettes in 1975, which was a huge mistake, based on a survey of crusty Army warrant officers and senior noncommissioned officers in Air Force security forces. More than anything, troops in the field need to stay alert and focused, and nothing calms your nerves like infusing your airways or bloodstream with nicotine.”