New Army 'Performance Triad': Unprotected sex, steroids, and tobacco

THE PENTAGON – For many years, the Army’s Performance Triad recommended soldiers get a good night’s sleep, physical activity, and healthy nutrition, but all that is about changing. In a bow to “who we really are” Army Chief of Staff Gen. Mark A. Milley announced yesterday a new Triad of “unprotected sex, steroids, and chewing tobacco.”

“This is a wellness initiative we know our soldiers will get behind,” Milley said, “because they're already fully invested in these things.”

While civilians are skeptical about long-term health hazards associated with tobacco, Medical Command leaders strongly support the initiative.

“When you examine the effects of burn pits, IED strikes, and black mold in the barracks on soldiers’ bodies, developing cancer might actually be the only shot for their survival,” said Maj. Gen. Nadja West, Army Surgeon General. “We suspect that cancer cells could eat away the other toxic elements we’ve subjected our war-fighters to over the past 15 years.”

West added, “Sex and steroids were easy to add, because they go together so well, given the intense horniness that roids bring on.”

“And over time, the infertility that results from the steroids means fewer unplanned pregnancies, or really any chance of children at all,” she concluded.

The new wellness guidelines reflect a growing appreciation for the opinion of enlisted service members. “We’re tired of imposing rules on our soldiers,” Sgt. Maj. of the Army Daniel Dailey admitted. “This time we really listened to the junior enlisted. We’ve proven that we cannot meet readiness goals, but I am confident that Fort Polk can absolutely nail unplanned pregnancy targets for this fiscal year.”

Army marketers have wasted no time in capitalizing upon the Triad’s launch. They paid for hundreds of new billboards across the Bible Belt with the new slogan, “Tits, Tobacco, and Poor Life Decisions: Army!” Local church leaders expressed outrage over the campaign, but inquiries at recruiting stations have shot up since the billboards went up last month.

Current soldiers are very excited about the initiative.

“The triad is what I’ve been waiting for,” said Spc. Lyle Wilkins, 49, around a mouthful of Peach Skoal, “Now I can be the goddamned Soldier of the Quarter!”