PENTAGON — The Department of Defense is preparing to field a new life-skills program aimed at helping service members about to separate from active service break the compulsive habit of drawing penises everywhere, sources confirmed today.
The launch of the "Cock-Stopper Class," comes in the wake of a U.S. Air Force B-52 squadron commander's firing over renderings of penises on computer displays in aircraft cockpits, as well as multiple high-profile "sky penises" by Marine and Navy aviators.
"We started to realize that the ingrained culture of crass, vulgar hyper-masculinity within the military is at odds with the expectations of polite civilian society," said Sheila Baggins, head of the committee responsible for designing the course content. "Our biggest audience for this course material is going to be Army and Marine infantrymen. For reasons psychiatrists have yet to fully explain, it is this specific subset of the military that seems hell-bent on covering literally everything with penis graffiti."
Military counselors suggest that veterans have difficulty altering deeply inculcated habits of social interaction once leaving the military. Many have difficulty explaining why otherwise highly-intelligent and highly-trained individuals find amusement in juvenile and often crudely-drawn renderings of genitals.
"And it's always penises, which I don't get," added Baggins. "I mean, it's not like they don't have one of their own that they can look at any time they damn well please. You'd think if anything, there'd be tits and vadge drawn all over the place. But no, you walk into any port-a-john or day room, or pretty much anywhere on a [combat outpost] in a deployed environment, what do you see? Dicks for days."
The aim of the course material is to replace, or at least attempt to redirect, service members' phallic fixations with something considered more acceptable in the civilian world.
"It may be surprising to learn, but your future civilian co-workers are not going to be as impressed or amused as your former battle buddies were with your ability to decorate your workspace and restrooms with badly-drawn pornography," reads the course text.
Rather than attempting to address the perplexing root causes of the phenomenon, the course material wisely sidesteps the issue, suggesting that compulsive doodlers consider career fields which make use of their innate sketching skills, such as drafting, architecture, and graphic design.
The architecture field in particular is highly recommended since, as the course text argues, almost every multi-story structure built since the mid-1800s is basically a gigantic dildo.
"Consider the Washington Monument," the course proclaims. "The Eiffel Tower. The Empire State Building. The Sears Tower. The Chrysler Building. The Burj Khalifa. Every one a magnificent, triumphant penis made of steel, concrete, and glass, thrusting hundreds or even thousands of feet into the sky. That could be your lasting legacy. Don't waste it blowing your load with a can of spray paint in some back alley."
A spokesman for the Army's Soldier For Life - Transition Assistance Program said service members often set their careers back by drawing phallic imagery at their first jobs out of the military.
"I don't know how many ex-grunts I've talked to who got fired from their first job out of the military because they drew a huge hairy veiny dong on a bathroom wall, or jobsite, or warehouse window, or whatever," said spokesman Mike Brady. "One guy got expelled from college less than half a semester in and had to pay back his GI Bill benefits because he papîer-machéd a massive cock on the wall outside his roommate's dorm room as a joke."
Civilian officials with the Marine Corps' Transition Readiness Program agree.
"Veteran prestige doesn't matter if you get out and can't hold a job," said Todd Grunfeld, director of a local Marine transition office in California. "Especially here on the left coast where everything's super-PC, the sort of shenanigans that go on in the military just don't fly in. We're trying to deprogram guys out of a whole culture of penis worship that goes far beyond the drawings. That stuff's just the tip."
Grunfeld deliberately paused for a second or two before adding "of the iceberg" with a wry grin.
Defense department officials are anxious to field the course at transition offices nationwide as soon as possible "before one more retard draws another giant dick somewhere super-visible and it winds up all over the news," Baggins said.