Report: New Space Force recruits not as tough as the Old Space Force

CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. – New Space Force recruits are coming into the service less disciplined and physically weaker this month than the Space Force recruits from last month, sources confirmed today.

“Back when I joined Space Force on June 18th, the recruiting was selective and the training was tough as nails. When we made it to our first unit, we were ready to serve. Now that it’s July, it seems like any whiney college dropout walks into My Space Corps and we have to train them once they get to the Force. I don’t understand this generation,” a senior space force non-commissioned astronaut said on condition of anonymity.

Navy Capt. Bill Ryker, spokesman for the Department of Defense, indicated that a panel was convening to investigate if Space Cadets were getting the right kind of training at Space Camp and indicated that zero-G physical fitness training and rocket-pack road marches would be a renewed priority.

“In recruiting for Space Force, we are recruiting a representation of the American public,” said Ryker. “As American society has changed over the past week, so have the new space cadets we can recruit. Space Force must evolve.”

“I talked to a new recruit who got to my unit, and he said that they got Dippin’ Dots at Space Camp," the astronaut said. "Are you fucking kidding me? Dippin’ Dots? I don’t care if it’s the ice cream of the future."

He added: "Back when I joined Space Force, we got Tang and MREs, and if our tummies rumbled, there was real fear that an alien would explode from our abdomen and start attacking the whole chow hall. I never saw an alien explode out of someone’s stomach, but it definitely happened to my buddy from Space Camp when he got to his first outpost. He told me about it at the cantina.”

Grissom Shepherd, a new recruit, told all his buddies from high school that Space Camp was the hardest experience of his life, and the complaints about it are blown out of proportion.

“I never saw a stress card, and I heard that this Drill Physicist from 2nd Platoon punched this Space Cadet in the stomach for making Star Wars references. Space Camp was hard as shit," Shepherd said.

“Except,” he added, “I heard that 3rd Platoon — the guys in the new shuttle bay that came in just before we graduated — had it way easier. They got weekend passes and only had to get 18/30 on their laser qualifications. Seriously, fuck those guys.”

Taco McGibblets contributed to this story.