NORFOLK, Va. — Navy Exchange Service CEO R.J. Bianchi today announced the development of "express lanes" for veterans who have a shopping cart exclusively full of alcohol and cigarettes. The new lanes, which will debut later this month in at least 80 NEX stores, came about after a disgruntled Navy captain had to wait more than 40 minutes just to purchase an Apple-Kale Naked™ Smoothie at a store in Bremerton last year.
"It’s time to prioritize customers who understand the real value of the exchange," Bianchi said, speaking at Naval Amphibious Base Little Creek. “I mean, these veterans have seen some serious shit, so the least we can do is provide a more efficient way to escape their own personal hell — and get the rest of our customers out the door quicker.”
The lanes will be include specially-trained staff with updated terminals that can handle the large number of personal checks from the older veterans who have yet to adjust to a debit card system. Cashiers with masters' degrees in social work will also listen to their sea stories, no matter how tedious.
"This new system will reduce congestion in other lanes and provide a quick 'in-out' method so vets can quickly medicate themselves into oblivion," Bianchi said.
NEX says customers have reacted favorably to the announcement about the new system.
"Today I just wanted to buy some protein powder and a fucking cover," said Petty Officer 3rd Class Burt Ingram. "But here I am waiting for retired John Paul Jones to pay for his lifetime supply of cigarettes with dimes and nickels."
"And my kid just wanted his Powerade and Flaming Hot Cheetos, but got stuck behind some fatass and his two cartloads of Jameson and Marlboro Lights."
Bianchi confirmed that the new lanes will also be properly stocked with "Reagan-Bush '84" and "Don't Tread On Me" bumper stickers.
"I'm confident that this will finally put us in good standing with our loyal customers," concluded Bianchi. "Even though people haven't figured out that the NEX just overprices everything anyway."