‘No, I can't help you sue 3M’ by your brigade JAG officer

FORT BENNING, GA. — After almost a year of soldiers coming in to consult with the brigade judge advocate general, Maj. Eric Habz wants to inform all soldiers that the JAG office can't help you sue 3M.

After the highly publicized case against 3M for defective earplugs, soldiers are now purchasing 3M masks in hopes that they'll be defective as well.

"I wish there was a way to tell these idiots that the JAG office is strictly for military related issues, but they just keep coming in my office telling me about the link they opened on Facebook," Habz said. "I'd say 90 percent of these soldiers never even deployed—they just claim they used the earplugs while at the range, and the other 10 percent were deployed to Kuwait."

Soldiers often have arguments claiming that Kuwait counts as a combat deployment.

Judge advocate generals are licensed attorneys that represent the Army and its soldiers in military related matters, but they cannot be hired or used by soldiers to sue civilian companies. Ever since 3M was found at fault for the defective earplugs, many different websites and commercial companies began mass advertising to military personnel who were affected by the defective earplugs.

"These dummies don't realize even if they did get a lawyer and were able to prove their hearing was damaged, the final check they'd receive wouldn't even cover the lawyer fees," said Habz. "It would basically be like getting a check for your birthday from your grandmother, congratulations on your $12, you fucking POG."

Since the mandate of masks on military installations, soldiers have been required to wear masks inside of all buildings on base, which has soldiers purposely purchasing 3M masks in hopes of multiple lawsuit paychecks.

"I don't see why JAG can't help soldiers get the money they deserve, even if we were only deployed to Kuwait." said Sergeant DeAndre Robinson. "It IS a combat zone, regardless of what people say, and between the industrial air conditioning units and the monthly tests of the emergency sirens, it gets really loud and I'm sure caused permanent damage to my ears."

"I can't even get through the stack of cases on my desk for potheads who are too stupid to realize they can't smoke weed, much less the endless amount of powers of attorney I have to do that will inevitably end up in their spouse leaving them while they're deployed," said Habz.

The Fort Stewart JAG office urges soldiers to check the frequently asked questions on the installation website prior to wasting their time in person. They also recommend getting a special power of attorney as opposed to a full power of attorney to help expedite the follow-on divorce process.