The following is an opinion piece written by your platoon leader.

Hey everyone. It's your platoon leader here. I just wanted to talk with you guys real quick about a tiny problem I'm having. It's probably nothing, but I wanted to make sure we are on the same page when conducting patrol base operations.

I would really appreciate it — like, super duper appreciate it — if you would stop building the terrain model next to the slit trench.

I know, I know. I am "totally being a dick" and pulling rank here.

My bad, guys. Really.

But, I have not even been to combat yet and I have seen enough shit, literally, to last me five lifetimes.

I got it — we need to "take care of soldiers." I totally respect your experience and will heed your advice to keep the slit trench in a central location. I agree, as you so eloquently put it, that we "don't need to write letters to families about their soldier getting their assholes blown off."

I am by no means implying that we should not take care of soldiers. What I am saying is that when Spc. Golightly squats like an wild animal and "magically grows a tail" it does not becomes the decisive point of my operations order, much like it did at JRTC when his bout of IBS literally made 1st Squad "notionally" kill all of Alpha Company in a blue-on-blue accident.

Then, there was the Operation Noble Eagle order when Staff Sgt. Varjak mistook Sgt. Failensen's surface-laid yule log for a WMD, completely derailed the briefing for 45 minutes with "gas, gas, gas" jokes.

And let's not forget the incident with the battalion commander, who, upon giving a critique on my fires paragraph, was followed by Spc. Berman shouting through strained vocal chords, and I quote, "It's time to grind some sausage!"

I don't think I am asking for much. All I am asking, for once, is to brief my Situation, Mission, and Execution without having to glimpse into the unholy abyss of a soldier's expanding anus. Also, not having my "Command and Signal" interrupted by the hellish cacophony of a passing beef enchilada MRE would be a big plus, a huge plus, as well.

As soldiers in the United States Army, I know I can count on your professionalism, integrity, and personal courage to think of a creative solution to this almost-non-issue. I am sure there is a way we can solve this problem — maybe invoke some "sua sponte," if you will.

Because I swear to God, I have looked into the brown eye of despair for the last time. And although I have taken an oath as a commissioned officer, to support and defend the Constitution in the United States Army, I will lead this platoon straight into the fiery ISIS tiger cage of death if I have to see your "chocolate starfish" one more goddamn time.