WASHINGTON – The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration spotted a Category 5 hurricane threatening the Iranian capital of Tehran late last evening, according to President Donald Trump.
“The great people of NOAA — they do really incredible work by the way, thank you Neil — have spotted what appears to be the largest, most spectacular hurricane anyone has ever seen,” Trump told reporters while Dr. Neil Jacobs, NOAA’s acting administrator, stood uncomfortably by the podium.
“This massive storm, it’s simply yuge,” Trump continued. “It started forming in the Caspian Sea, and has moved all the way down to Iran’s beautiful capital, Tehran. I asked Neil here — he’s great, everybody, let’s hear it for Neil — if there was anything we could do to prevent this storm from causing complete and total damage.”
The president’s statement follows a White House leak earlier this week that he was considering detonating nuclear weapons in the eye of a hurricane to dissipate them.
“To protect the fine people of Tehran, Tehranians, I believe they’re called, from this massive loser storm, we are excited to test our new family of ‘Nukestorm’ antihurricane devices,” Trump continued. “These devices, they’re phenomenally sophisticated, will remove every trace of the horrible storm that is threatening these peaceful people.”
After the president left the podium, White House Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham went on to explain that though the military had been working closely with NOAA on developing the Nukestorm devices, NOAA itself would deliver them using its newly commissioned “storm-fighting triad” — a civilian fleet of B-52s, submarines, and intercontinental atmospheric missiles.
Grisham told reporters that the president is already considering using nuclear devices to fight storms in other areas including tropical depressions in the South China Sea, and the Category F-5 tornados that frequently threaten Moscow.
Sources say Trump has also reached out to Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro with a proposal to help fight the Amazon rainforest fires using a nuclear device he called “Fire-Bomba.” Brazil is reportedly “studying” the offer.
(Justin Coates contributed to this article.)