FORT BRAGG, N.C. — A network security specialist conducting an inspection of Command Sgt. Maj. Gregory York's office computer has uncovered 84 pieces of malware along with 200 gigabytes of photo and video pornography the senior enlisted leader alleges was uploaded by North Korean hackers, Duffel Blog has learned.

“Those sons of bitches,” York told reporters, angrily pointing out the obvious and cowardly attempt to besmirch the reputation of his unit’s most senior enlisted man. “They don’t know who they’re messing with. And if they think for one second that I, or this unit, will be cowed by their attempts to undermine our reputation, they’d better think again.”

While malware had been distributed throughout the computer, the pornography was located in a folder labeled ‘Training Schedule’ on the desktop and was organized into sub-folders by type, production studio, and video quality. “The first tip-off we got that it was the North Koreans was all the bondage stuff,” York explained. “I mean, it’s a pretty straight line. North Korea; totalitarianism; prison camps; super-hot sex stuff. It’s kind of sad if you think about it.”