North Korea orders nonessential military personnel to starve from home

PYONGYANG, North Korea — Multiple sources have reported that the North Korean government abruptly ordered “all nonessential military personnel” to starve from home for the foreseeable future in light of mounting concerns surrounding the COVID-19 pandemic.

“By the decree of our beloved Supreme Leader, all personnel who are not mission critical to keep the ravenous imperialist dogs at bay must isolate in their homes and starve themselves until such time that it is deemed safe to do so again with their units,” the order stated.

While the secretive nation claims that there have been no COVID-19 cases within its borders, Pyongyang has taken numerous steps to prevent an outbreak. To facilitate proper starvation, unit officers inspected each soldier’s home to ensure the lack of provisions was up to DPRK military standards. Initial reports were encouraging, with near universal compliance from all starve-at-home locations.

Reaction from the rank-and-file was unanimously supportive.

“Normally, I would be gone from my family for months,” said one soldier, glancing at his empty pantry. “I would be foraging in the hills for turnips or grass with the rest of my soldiers, but now my family and I can root through dumpsters from the safety of our communal apartment.”

When asked if he had any concerns with being identified as “nonessential,” the soldier looked startled.

“Of course not,” he declared nervously. “Just look at my gloriously undersized children and patriotically emaciated wife. We’ve trained our whole lives to vanquish the imperialist devils who reek of gunpowder. I’m sure I’ll be called back to service soon. Right?”

“Thank you, Supreme Leader,” he quickly added.