North Korean troops stunned by luxurious lifestyle of Russian counterparts
“This is what a true Communist nation looks like!” said a North Korean lieutenant.
KURSK, Russia — Following the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (DPRK) deployment of an estimated 10,000 fresh troops to assist their Russian allies, North Korean soldiers assigned to the front lines of the Ukrainian battlefield have been amazed by the comfort of European combat. Defense officials say that while language issues have proven problematic, adjusting to the Russian infantry lifestyle hasn’t been.
“This is what a true Communist nation looks like!” said a North Korean lieutenant who wished to remain anonymous. “Plenty to eat, plenty to drink, and a chance to fire our poorly made ammunition at capitalist pigs instead of attempting to bombard them with balloons filled with our own shit! Long live the Revolution!”
One North Korean soldier was excited by the fact they had holes in the ground to sleep in. The private remarked that back home their political officers confiscated their shovels to sell on the black market and Russians had so many shovels they could afford to dig holes to shit in and even had toilet paper called Tass to wipe their asses with.
The ample supply of vodka also stunned the new soldiers. Discovering that Russians used what would be a village’s weeks’ worth of potatoes per bottle awed them with the vast wealth of their host.
Another surprise was finding out Russian dining facilities actually served food. It took the new soldiers several weeks to realize they weren’t supposed to eat out of the garbage cans but could consume all the borscht and moldy bread they desired.
“Back home,” one private said, “they forced us through the serving line, ladled imaginary soup on our plates while making us thank Kim Jong Un for the glorious bounty of our blessed nation then we were forced to sit there and listen to political indoctrination.”
Many of the soldiers listened attentively as Russians told of the punishment for desertion and life in the gulag. Afterward, they quizzed them if it was possible to extend the prison time served and whether they could bring three generations of their families with them. The DPRK soldiers then told their Russian minders that gulag life sounded better than the vacation retreats earned by model North Korean party members.
Meanwhile, the sudden influx of North Koreans hasn’t caused much concern among the Ukrainian troops. According to a soldier using the code name “Sunflower,” the North Koreans are “not the sharpest knives in the drawer.”
“Shit, they’re not even at spoon level. We just play speeches from Little Rocket Man (Kim Jong Un) and the assholes pop to attention and we mow them down. Even orcs aren’t that stupid.”
Reports have surfaced mentioning the friction between the Russian troops and their new allies. As one Russian who wished to be called “Valdimir” complained, “You can’t live with the little thieving shits and you can’t kill them. Really, you can’t. Every time we try to shoot them or frag them the faulty fucking ammo they gave us won’t work. Stupid motherfuckers would be more useful if they were on the other side of the tree line with the Ukes.”
He went on to say, “Between the goddamn golf carts the Chinese gave us for APCs, the bullshit Korean arty rounds blowing up our tubes and fucking Indians wanting to pay for our oil in rupees we’re totally and completely fucked. Our only hope is President-elect Trump sending us F-16s and Elon Musk.”
Back in the Hermit Kingdom, Comrade Chairman Emperor Kim Jong Un has declared the transfer of his ten thousand troops to Russia a resounding success.
“The Democratic Peoples Republic of Korea has achieved a momentous event in the history of world communism! We have given our Dear Allies the warm bodies so necessary for human carnage while reducing the mouths to feed during our current famine induced by the late Agriculture Minister Lee Wo Pak. We celebrate this grand union between one great Communist nation and one under new branding.”
Carl Owen, III triple dipper proud to be a burden on the American taxpayer.
 | A guest post by
|
Everybody wins !
Not unbelievable.