COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. — The 2019 growing season produced a bumper crop of cubicle colonels, U.S. Northern Command announced today.

“We’re proud to report that this year’s harvest resulted in a 12 percent increase in colonels,” said Maj. Roberta Daisy, an Air Force public affairs officer. “This means that NORTHCOM out-produced all other combatant commands in growing desk, watch, and retired-on-active-duty senior field-grade officers.”

Daisy attributed the growth to an unusual number of sunny days accompanied by the hard work of officers logrolling each other. She also credited the NORTHCOM commander, Gen. Terrence J. O’Shaughnessy, who she described as a career talent farmer.