KABUL — The Afghanistan War is complaining to anyone who will listen about never having a quinceañera to recognize its ever-advancing age as it celebrates its 17th birthday, sources confirmed today.
A quinceañera is a significant, sometimes spectacular celebration which recognizes maturity, usually held for a 15th birthday. Two years past that mark, the Afghanistan War feels that its big party signifying advancement to the next level, such as peace, is long past due.
“Everybody loved me when I was a baby,” the war said, “until that attention-hog Iraq War came along in 2003. I thought they’d throw a party in 2014 with Obama’s exit strategy but that never happened. Now I’m pretty much forgotten and my asshole Uncle Taliban is still hanging around.”
“The Afghanistan War is getting plenty of recognition,” Pentagon spokesman Maj. Eric Liddell said.
“Afghanistan was a surprise baby, if you know what I mean. We didn’t really plan how to begin, and then kept thinking we’d turn a corner and walk away. And as far as parties go, the average cost of a quinceañera is about $5,000. We’ve already sunk over $1 trillion and tens of thousands of casualties in Afghanistan since 2001. How much more attention does this war want?”
“America loved the other long wars more than me,” the Afghanistan War said. “The Vietnam War got Henry Kissinger and the Paris Peace Accords. All I have is rampant government corruption, soldiers deploying here for the umpteenth time, and unstoppable green on blue attacks. I didn’t even get the traditional quinceañera dance with my father, the Soviet-Afghan War. I’m totally ignored."
"What am I, the Moro Rebellion or something?”
Despite its protests, the Pentagon shows little sign of changing its position.
“Afghanistan is absolutely not getting a party until it cleans up its room, which it hasn’t done in 17 years,” according to Liddell.
“This is so lame,” responded Afghanistan. “We’ll probably have the same stupid conversation when I’m 18. I’m texting this to the Syrian War.”