FORT MEADE, Md. — A brood of cryptologists bravely poked their heads into the warming rays of the winter dawn before seeing their shadows and predicting an imminent government shutdown, sources with the National Security Agency confirmed today.
“It’s going to be a long winter, but you’ll have plenty of time to think on it!” portended fair-skinned analyst Phillip G. Hoggs before scurrying back into the welcoming depths of the Sensitive Compartmented Information Facility (SCIF). “At least a month!”
The ominous declaration follows on the heels of the longest government shutdown in U.S. history, casting a perturbed wave of trepidation throughout the federal workforce. Unclassified reports state with a “high degree of certainty that the probability of a potential government shutdown can be confidently assumed as ‘likely’ to ‘very likely’ to happen.”
“Just a reminder, you may be subject to a ten-percent penalty if you elect to take a Financial Hardship Withdrawal from your Thrift Savings Plan,” chimed in linguist Mary Mots while slathering herself in sunblock.
One source, who spoke on condition of anonymity, divulged information from classified reports forecasting an utter impasse between the Democratic and Republican parties concerning funding for the President’s border security objectives. Such a deadlock would fulfill long-foretold prophecies for the greatest year in bipartisan American politics.
“At least we’re still getting our paychecks at the NSA,” the unnamed source concluded.