FORT MEADE, MD – Amid growing public controversy and a slew of high-profile leaks, the National Security Agency announced Monday plans to bring an end to all of its intelligence functions and operations.

“You guys win,” a haggard NSA spokesperson told a room of reporters. “Thanks to you hyenas, I haven’t seen my kids since 2012. I’m tired and, frankly, I don’t give a shit anymore what we know or how we know it. Before any of you learns anything else about us from anybody, we’re going to make this easy. We quit intelligence. No more collection. No more analysis. Nothing. Starting today, I can assure you without caveat or hesitation that nothing intelligent is happening at the NSA."

Indeed, sources confirm that all classified documents and computers have been removed from the agency’s Fort Meade headquarters and the clearances of more than 30,000 employees revoked.

“The equation is simple,” NSA Director Gen. Keith Alexander said to an audience at Washington’s Georgetown University. “Intelligence leads to leaks. Leaks lead to embarrassing exposés and public outrage, and public outrage leads to Congressional ass-rapings, which are the worst.”

“Better to get out while the getting's good and while I’m still comfortable sitting down," he added.

Under an agency-wide rebranding initiative, Alexander explained that NSA employees will be expressly forbidden from engaging in defense-related work of any kind and encouraged, instead, to focus on other institutional core competencies, to include avoiding eye contact, mastering Dungeons & Dragons, and eating lunch alone.

“Let’s move on from this specter of an Orwellian security apparatus,” Alexander urged. “We’re not the enemy, we’re the nerds! And from now on, when people hear NSA, I want them to think only of the hopeless but affable social ineptitude that has characterized this organization since its inception.”

In laying out his vision for a post-intelligence NSA, Alexander was also careful to note that this cessation of intelligence activities was not just about avoiding leaks and Congress but about accountability to the American people.

“We want all Americans who were upset by these scandals to know that we hear them loud and clear,” he said. “Just not on their cell phones.”

While many will surely welcome the new direction, hawks in the Defense Department have warned of the increased possibility of terrorist attacks with NSA out of the picture. Addressing these concerns, Alexander remarked that the jocks over at the Defense Intelligence Agency or any of the nation’s fourteen other intelligence organizations probably had it covered.