To Avoid Further Leaks, NSA Bans Intelligence

FORT MEADE, MD – Amid growing public controversy and a slew of high-profile leaks, the National Security Agency announced Monday plans to bring an end to all of its intelligence functions and operations.

“You guys win,” a haggard NSA spokesperson told a room of reporters. “Thanks to you hyenas, I haven’t seen my kids since 2012. I’m tired and, frankly, I…