FORT MEADE, Md. — On the heels of Apple's Tuesday product launch for the iPhone 6, iPhone 6 Plus, and a new smart watch, drooling NSA officials clamored to convey widespread enthusiasm and support for the company's "tantalizing" next generation of smart technology, Duffel Blog has learned.
"These devices are just what the doctor ordered to put the spark back in our relationship with the American people," NSA Director Adm. Mike Rogers told reporters, explaining that while Facebook and Twitter feeds are great and all, he and his analysts have been ready to take things to the next level for quite some time.
"Don't get me wrong," Rogers said. "We love hearing about your kids' soccer tournaments and seeing pictures from your dinners out at Chili's. I mean, we really LOVE it. But hasn't there been something missing? When NSA enters into a nonconsensual relationship with an unwitting citizen, no detail should be too small."
"We want to know how many steps you take," Rogers continued. "We want to feel your heart beating in your chest. We want to know what makes you sweat — because we care about you. Deeply. And because it helps prevent another 9/11. The Apple Watch makes all of this possible."
