Obama to apologize to Japan for Pearl Harbor

WASHINGTON – Just days after President Obama directly apologized to Japan for dropping the atomic bombs in World War II, White House sources now say the President is mulling an apology to Japan for the attack on Pearl Harbor.

According to the White House, the President made a tentative offer to Japanese Prime Minister Shinzō Abe shortly after the Hiroshima speech. As the two were driven away, Obama apparently turned to Abe and said, "You know, this never would have happened if you hadn't attacked Pearl Harbor, but I guess FDR knew about that in advance, so that certainly implies consent by us."

When Abe said that was an unproven conspiracy theory, Obama quickly cited several authoritative documentaries on the History Channel.

"And you wouldn't have attacked Pearl Harbor if we hadn't put an oil embargo on you," Obama continued. "So I guess Pearl Harbor was also our fault. And the whole oil embargo was because of your occupation of French Indochina, but you were only trying to liberate your fellow Asians from the white supremacist Europeans and implement a Greater Co-Prosperity Sphere."

Obama then broke down crying, saying he was pretty-sure America was also responsible for Japan's invasion of China and brutal occupation of Korea, since they were all indirect results of U.S. Commodore Matthew Perry's 1853 expedition to open up Japan, which he also planned to apologize for.

At the time of publication, Obama's decision had already been condemned by Republican front-runner Donald Trump, who has previously demanded that Obama rescind the earlier Hiroshima apology.

Trump also received some criticism for his plan to drop a third nuclear weapon on Japan and make the Japanese pay for it.

At a Tuesday meeting of the America First Committee, Trump went even further and criticized what he called Obama's "small and flaccid" nuclear arsenal.

"I love the mushroom cloud," Trump said. "We have the best mushroom clouds. Really nice. Classy. The Russian mushroom clouds? Vulgar. Pathetic. The Chinese? Small, if you get my drift. Nowhere near as big as ours."

"And who even calls a bomb Little Boy? The Democrats, that's who! And you know who's going to show the best, biggest mushroom clouds? We are. That's right."

The Japanese Prime Minister's office has confirmed the conversation with Obama took place, but stressed Japan will not be seeking an apology for Pearl Harbor as long as Obama follows through on a similar plan to apologize for America's role in the Rape of Nanking.

Duffel Blog writers Lee Ho Fuk and Jay contributed to this article.

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