WASHINGTON — An examination of personnel records obtained through a Freedom Of Information Act request revealed that the Commander in Chief of the entire United States military, Barack H. Obama, has never had a single deployment to a combat zone. The discovery comes hot on the heels of revelations about other high-profile politicians' military issues, from Donald Trump’s Vietnam draft deferrals to Sen. Lindsey Graham’s questionable Air Force promotions.
“It’s true that the President has not deployed to any combat theaters in the Global War on Terror since his election,” White House Spokesman Josh Earnest confirmed. “But that’s only due to an accounting error at Human Resources Command which mistakenly rendered all White House personnel non-deployable. And once we discovered the error and corrected it, the President was totally, super excited about deploying. But then he got on a no-body-armor profile."
“Because, like, his back and stuff,” added Earnest.
Asked when the President’s profile was up and he would be on deployable status again, Earnest changed the subject.
Active duty servicemembers have seized on the news, commenting about the Commander In Chief unfavorably.
“This guy sends me and my buddies into harm's way, and hasn't even heard shots fired in anger?" asked Lance Cpl. Justin Tice, a Marine White House Guard. "President Obama? More like 'President Slick Sleeve.'"
“So, wait a tick," commented Sgt. 1st Class Brittney Valcheck, a soldier deployed to Iraq in support of the non-combatant advisors to the Iraqi Army, who are totally not at all combatants, and are not conducting combat. "All I have to do to avoid a deployment is get appointed or elected to some Democrat delegation or office? And plus, I'll get a free ticket to the Democrat National Convention with all the hot and cold running drugs and booze I can ingest? Hot damn, sign me up!"
Military history professors reacted by comparing President Obama to other Commanders In Chief who did, in fact, manage to deploy. Many Presidents went to war, but in the last century in particular, combat deployed Presidents included Eisenhower, Kennedy, Nixon, Johnson, and Bush Senior. Even President Carter, the historians conclude, tried to deploy, but his helicopter crashed en route to the fight.