OBITUARY: Mohammed Emwazi, AKA Jihadi John

In the afternoon of November 12th, 2015, Jihadi John passed away in the middle of the street in Al-Raqqah, Syria, when he was struck square in the face by a high-velocity, laser-guided munition. He was attended by several scattering and panicking terrorists, one of whom stepped on the IED he had just emplaced. Jihadi John was 27 years old.

Born in Kuwait and becoming a British resident at the age of six, Jihadi John developed an affinity for peacemaking at an early age. As a student at St. Mary Magdalene Church of England Primary School, the Christian faculty was astounded at his rapid memorization of Old Testament passages involving the dismemberment of the enemy.

Transitioning to the cutthroat world of business management and information technology, followed by violent terrorism, was a natural progression for Jihadi John, who never seemed satisfied with accounting or basic human dignity.

Known for his strong commitment to both fashion and fine cutlery, Jihadi John was lauded by his peers for his tenacious pursuit of morality and kindness. Friends would often find him curled up near the fireplace on winter nights, reading his first-edition copy of Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol with a glass of brandy and a severed head.

Jihadi John was preceded in death by thousands of others who thought sawing off the heads of civilians was a good idea. He is survived by his wives, Jihadi Jane, Jihadi Jasmine, and Jihadi Josephine, and his inaccurately-named hamster, Jihadi Gerbil. The family asks that, in lieu of flowers, mourners either send “Death to America” postcards to President Obama or contribute a dollar to the Fingerless Bomb-Maker Foundation.

His remains were cremated and scattered across Adnan Malak Street. No memorial service is scheduled, and his name most likely will be forgotten in short order.