WASHINGTON — Claiming he is “sick of this goddam presbyopia” and asserting “it’s finally time to do something about it,” Army Chief of Staff Raymond Odierno today ordered everyone in the Army to double the size of name tags and name tape, sources tell Duffel Blog.

“I’m not old, goddammit! 60 is not old!” Odierno said. “I’m not getting any new goddammed glasses!”

Current regulations require tape to be five inches long and to have lettering 20mm high. The mixed metric and English units are part of the procurement office’s “Job security through obscurity” initiative.

Under Odierno’s new plan, which goes into effect on Friday, the tape can be as long as nine inches, and the lettering must be “120 point type! And make it Arial. None of that lame Franklin Gothic,” according to a copy of the order examined by Duffel Blog. Plastic name tags will grow to at least six inches in length from their current three.

“I’m only 60 for God’s sake. That’s not old,” Odierno added. "And I'm not getting bifocals."

According to aides, Odierno believes it is the duty of every officer to appear to know everyone under his command, a duty he cannot execute “with the goddammed tiny bullshit we use for name tags now. I mean, a goddam bald eagle with a scanning electron microscope couldn’t read that crap,” the aide quoted the general as saying.

“Also, stop mumbling and speak up!” he concluded, before getting in a car accident as a result of failing to obey directions from a policeman directing traffic and missing six detour signs.