Officer leaves job in military-industrial complex for the wedding-industrial complex

America's two most enduring industries.

By Call Sign Buttercup

FORT MEADE — Capt. Olivia McCord is leaving the Army and military-industrial complex to work as a planner in the wedding-industrial complex.

In her announcement last week, McCord said that she’s thankful for all that the war machine has provided to her: a stable paycheck, superficially impressive awards, and lifelong benefits courtesy of the American taxpayer. But it’s time to go. She’s trading weapons for wedding cakes and endless wars for forever love.

McCord’s resignation came as a surprise to many. When asked about her decision to leave, McCord explained the military has changed since she joined, and not for the better.

McCord joined to work for ‘the man.’ She felt comforted by the industry’s seemingly indestructible presence in society, and the financial security that came with it.

“It used to be that you could count on society’s mindless support of the troops and military funding.” But things have changed, according to Capt. McCord. “I think we’re actually leaving Afghanistan, and people are beginning to question the size of our defense budget. Now that everyone knows that places like Fort Bragg are fraught with fraud, waste, and abuse, the whole thing feels insecure and also just kind of passé.”


McCord’s weariness of the war industry is what piqued her interest in transitioning to the wedding industry. “I reflected on where my Army skills would be most applicable, and wedding planning was a no-brainer. I still get to sell bullshit and end lives. I’ll feel like I’m working for ‘the man’ again, except ‘the man’ is the mother of the bride.”

Dr. Dana Wicker, a wedding expert and professor of sociology at Wake Forest University, says that McCord’s substitute makes perfect sense in light of recent trends. According to Wicker, people are just more eager to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on flowers and dresses than they are military equipment, especially in the age of Instagram.

“A new armored vehicle just doesn’t get the same online traction as a beautiful bride,” said Wicker, “As long as Instagram and Pinterest are around and Americans have money, the wedding industry is here to stay.”

According to defense officials, McCord will participate in the Army Career Skills transition program, during which she will take a leave of absence to plan her friend Emily’s wedding.

Call Sign Buttercup is living her truth.

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