Oh, Christ: The soldier who saved your life in Afghanistan believes in 'crisis actors'

LOUISVILLE, Ky. — Oh, dear God, no. Christ. The soldier who saved your life in Afghanistan in the spring of 2014 believes "crisis actors" are being used to impersonate teenagers after this latest mass shooting, sources confirmed today.

The soldier, who ran through a hail of Taliban gunfire to get to your position as you were tending to a gunshot wound to the leg, recently revealed his thinking after a number of what he called "quote-unquote teenagers" have appeared on television to call for increased gun safety.

"I don't want to be all conspiratorial," he reportedly posted in a Facebook group known for the spreading of conspiracy theories. "But I remember training in the Army one time when we had actors covered in blood and stuff. So this might just be like that."

"Isn't it weird that these supposed 'teenagers' are so articulate?" said your friend, who once fireman-carried you back behind a wall and returned fire in what the entire platoon agreed was an incredible act of heroism.

Sources say you considered unfriending him over the issue, but decided that his saving your life in the past made removing him from Facebook impossible.

"Oh fuck, what is it now?" you reportedly said, since, according to multiple sources, your friend just posted about the deep state and wondered aloud whether this shooting could in some way be blamed on Obama.