'We lost a lot of good rakes out there' — Army declares victory in Operation Clean Sweep

FORT BRAGG, N.C. — The US Army has declared victory in its longest-running operation with a stinging series of maneuvers against the grass, rocks and dirt that for years have threatened to overtake the home of Airborne and Special Operations, sources confirmed today.

“We lost a lot of good rakes out there, but we did it," said Col. Brett Funck, the garrison commander. "The logistics involved in executing Clean Sweep represents our flagship capabilities. We are able to do things with lawnmowers you wouldn’t believe. It should be classified. For OPSEC purposes I won’t go into it, but I assure you it’s amazing.”

According to defense officials, Operation Clean Sweep is a time-honored operation with seemingly no beginning and no end that is often described as the most important moment of any airborne soldier's life — where soldiers from all over the post stop all other pertinent operations to groom the installation.

“Yesterday was the culminating event for Clean Sweep: a true decisive moment. It was beautiful. The smell of pine straw filled the air. The sun rose with a misty red glow and the sound of artillerymen leaf-blowing was deafening," Funck said.

He added: “Infantrymen with toothbrushes on concrete and the grittiest of elbow-grease scraped reflections into brick where no one before believed a shine could be shown. Seasoned enlisted men and women rode lawnmowers through the riskiest of maneuvers, donning their reflective belts over their shoulders like landscaping Scottsmen.

Sources confirmed that tall blades of grass stood no chance against a ferocious counterattack from 18 to 19-year-old soldiers who are pretty sure they signed up for the wrong profession.

“These soldiers have families, hopes and dreams borne out of a love of country, sweat, and the desire to accomplish the mission of Clean Sweep," Funck said. "None of them smiled. That’s how dedicated they are to this.”

Most units on post celebrated the culmination of the Operation with a fun run.