The following is a response to Gunnery Sgt. Hartman, by Pvt. Pyle’s jelly doughnut.

Jesus H. Christ!

You call yourself a staff non-commissioned officer? How dare you fat shame this wonderful recruit and belittle me! I provide sustenance, nutrition and joy to all who eat me. You, on the other hand, are a grade-A, bona fide jerk, puking malicious, profane invective left and right these poor recruits have no choice but to hear.

Do you love the sound of your rancorous vitriol? Does it make you feel good about yourself, picking on these lowly boots? Who are you trying to impress? What are you compensating for? Perhaps the thinly-veiled, false motivation you so deceitfully flaunt before these impressionable youths with no exposure to the Marine Corps beyond their recruiters’ offices?

What is to you if Pvt. Leonard Lawrence – a wholesome, growing boy of pure being, might I add – stashed away my fructose-infused goodness for a midnight fire watch tryst? What would you know about the wonders of my soft, sugary flesh and gooey, raspberry center, bursting with flavor untold?

Nothing, you cantankerous, caustic scrooge! And not like you ever will. I’d sooner metabolize in Lawrence’s gorgeous, plump gut and return to this world as the happiest turd the Marine Corps has ever seen, than gallivant about in your vile intestinal tract for one second. I guess your core doesn’t get theirs today!

The only thing your center is bursting with is a festering, virulent glob of poo that comes out of your mouth instead of your brain housing unit.

Oh, so now you’re going to parade me up and down the aisle, provoking guilt and blame. Of course, as a staff NCO, you’re well aware of the effectiveness of blanket punishments and the benefits of inciting divisiveness versus facilitating nonsense like teamwork and esprit de corps.

Well I can tell you right now, I’m worth every single four-count push up the Marine Corps has to offer. I see the way those recruits are looking at me. Yeah, they want it, they want me inside them.

That’s right, I’m downright delectable, you cud-chewing curmudgeon. How are you going to compete with this? I am the epitome of immediate gratification. I am all the “proper motivation” they need. I will go straight to their waistline, keeping them satiated and content, filling them with warm and fuzzies. You, on the other hand, only serve to fill them with hate, discontent, and whatever that “warrior ethos” is you keep blabbering on about.

I can’t wait for Lawrence to give you a piece of his mind, you old fart.

Paul contributed to this report.