OPINION: I mushroom stamped the moon

By Buzz Aldrin

50 years ago today, Neil Armstrong, Michael Collins, and I took part in one of the greatest adventures in the history of mankind. Together we landed on the moon, planted a flag, and drew a penis on the lunar surface.

The world watched as Armstrong and I hopped off the lunar module and heard Neil’s poetic words, the first ever uttered from the surface of a heavenly body other than earth. What they did not hear that day is my follow up to Neil, telling him that I was going to trace out a big ol’ dong on the moon’s surface.

Armstrong and Collins were both supportive as soon as I laid out my plan. Collins helped direct me from above so the balls wouldn’t be all lopsided. Armstrong was mostly busy with getting the flag set up but kept insisting I add more detail like some scraggly pubes or veins on the shaft. Despite his urging, I kept it simple, clean, and classic, with a 15-foot shaft standing proudly between two balls and topped with a mushroom head the size of a small car.

The questions I received from NASA Mission Control were mostly about why. I explained to them that I’ve been a lot of things in my life, an astronaut, an author, a public speaker. But I was a soldier first. And as a soldier I learned from a young age that sometimes, it’s really, really funny to draw dicks on stuff. So while carving a lunar dong wasn’t part of our mission brief, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Plus, we had won the space race and it was important to me that forevermore when the Rooskies looked up at the stars they would see 15 feet of Grade-A American Tube Steak staring back at them.

I’m told that footprints on the moon won’t erode away for 10,000 years. If that’s true, that meaty hog will be in situ for at least a million, thanks to how deep I carved it into the moon’s surface. You won’t see it in any pictures from the time or in the dioramas at the space center but it’s up there, majestic as ever.

I've lived an amazing life but that moon penis will be my most lasting legacy. So when next you gaze skyward, think of the men and women who 50 years ago sacrificed so much for the human race’s greatest adventure and take heart knowing that while there may not be a man in the moon, there is a one eyed monster staring right back. Get a good telescope and catch it in the right kind of light—and you just may see it wink at you.