Opinion: If you call your spouse Household 6, I get to call your divorce a change of command

By: Sgt Daniel Marks

Look, I get it. You love the Army and you want to bring everything about it into your daily life. I’ve been there. When I was in high school I got way into "Trainspotting" and started calling my friends “mates.” I was like 14, but whatever, I’m not here to judge. What I’m saying is we all do stupid stuff we aren’t proud of later.

So if you want to call your wife Household 6 you go right ahead. If you want to talk about needing to check “the training schedule” when someone asks you what you’re doing this weekend or discuss an “exfil plan” from the bar, that’s your prerogative. I won’t even call you a douchebag for it. At least not loud enough that you can hear me.

But you need to know that the use of military lingo doesn’t end when the good times in your marriage do. You need to know that if you call your spouse Household 6, I get to call your divorce a change of command.

Not only that, but I am going to ask you questions like whether she’s “already checking out a new unit” or “hopped on some Rear-D while you were deployed” or even if I can get a video of her doing some “partner assisted PT.” It’s only logical for me to deal with your loss by throwing something you did that annoyed me back in your face, and the commander of your household leaving the scene is a perfect opportunity. So I’ll ask you these things and more because the opportunities are pretty much endless no matter the reason you and your significant other elected to cut slingload on holy matrimony.

And let’s be honest, the first time I ask you if she used to be a drill sergeant because I hear she’s been smoking privates, you’re going to get mad. That’s natural. But I hope you can appreciate the fact that I put up with you and your slang equivalent of a high and tight by telling me you “take all commands from the tower” when talking about your wife.

Also, don’t be surprised if I insist on treating your divorce like an actual change of command ceremony. If I know the time and place you’re getting this done, you had better believe I’ll print out programs, and that I’m going to be there in uniform, with the guidon, 30 minutes early. And you absolutely need to be aware that I’ll be expecting to hear a speech, eat some Costco sheet cake, and get released for the rest of the day.

I’m not trying to be unreasonable. I won’t insist we sing the "Army Song" together to close out the ceremony. I just want to make sure we understand each other before you come at me all angry because I’m asking who your little fire team of kids is going to live with now.