FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Sacrifice has always been part of military life. Previous generations have shown their support for the troops by tying yellow ribbons around old oak trees, or singing songs about how happy they’ll be when “Johnny comes marching home.”

But that’s not good enough for today’s snowflake generation! When they’re not busy killing local restaurant franchises, millennial military families spend all their time complaining about how their on-base housing has “black mold” and “dangerous gas leaks!”

Can you say entitled?

“We were used to this in the old Army,” said former Pfc. Jack Ryan, who served as a military police officer from 1992–95. “My whole family died in a house fire that was the result of faulty wiring. I reenlisted the next day on the spot where my wife melted. We adapted and overcame!”

Good luck getting today’s veterans to show that level of intestinal fortitude!

No one ever said that military life was easy. These alleged “patriots” and their families knew exactly what they were signing up for: a ton of lip service about how important they are, followed by bathrooms overflowing with shit, constant roof leaks, and the possibility of lethal explosions. What’s the point of enlisting if you’re just going to complain every time the military fails to keep its end of the bargain?!

“It’s easy to sit back and whine that your children are getting autism from lead poisoning, or that rats are taking dumps on them while they sleep,” an anonymous base official said. “I’m not seeing any of these families step up to offer multimillion dollar contracts to private companies to fix the problem.”

Sounds about right to us! These welfare queens are so reliant on Uncle Sam that they’ve forgotten how to solve their own problems. Maybe if military members and their families weren’t such pussies, we’d have won the war in Afghanistan by now!

Jack S. McQuack contributed to this article.