The CIA just released a huge cache of previously-secret documents seized at Osama bin Laden’s compound in Abottabad, Pakistan. With thousands of documents to sift through, there’s certainly plenty of files of interest.
But we here at Duffel Blog are interested in only the newsworthy portion of the cache: The trove of porn old man Bin Laden was looking at while he carried out attacks on his own skyscraper.
We looked through the extensive porn collection and found the 5 best videos on Bin Laden’s hard drive that we later masturbated to. Here they are:
5 — Slow Peek At Ankle and Upper Lip
This is one of the more tame titles in the collection, which was produced by a Bollywood porn production house. Still, it does show some tantalizing scenes, such as the incredibly sexy ankles of a fully-covered woman, before panning up to reveal her upper lip.
As soon as we saw that lip, we couldn't get our pants to our ankles fast enough.
4 — Big Sausage Pizza 14: Halal Meat
You just had to know Osama was a fan of pizza, especially that big pizza delivered with a dick right in the middle of the box. In this flick from Bin Laden’s hard drive, you can check out an amazing scene where the pizza delivery guy brings a pizza to a total hottie, before they get right down to business.
With this one, it’s probably safe to say Osama liked that the pizza guy came with some extra toppings.
3 — The Golden Girls: 25th Anniversary Complete Collection
Some people may argue that this isn’t pornography, but they obviously have little taste for the silver foxes that star in this classic series. The CIA noted that Bin Laden loved The Golden Girls as well as Seinfeld, for obvious reasons.
But let’s get back to business: Bea Arthur. Need we say more?
2 — Put It Where It Doesn't Belong 4
An absolute classic of porn cinema, Put It Where It Doesn’t Belong 4 delivers on the promise of the title, offering scenes with it going in human orifices, trees, knotholes in the fence, and so much more.
This video kept us occupied for so long you would have thought we changed our name to Afghanistan.
1 — Ass-Worshipping Rimjobbers
Our absolute favorite of the terror leader’s collection was also his personal favorite. According to the CIA, this was the last file opened on Bin Laden’s computer — which probably means dreams of sluts with beautiful asses was one of the last things going through his mind before that bullet.