Panic, Chaos During Air Force-Wide Facebook Outage

BARKSDALE AFB, La. — The United States Air Force has been rocked by what insiders describe as "chaos and confusion" as a result of a service-wide Facebook outage that began last Friday, Duffel Blog has learned. Mid-level leaders at Barksdale AFB report an "excessive level of rioting" while other bases have issued "shelter in place" orders, or held surprise commander's calls to distract personnel.

"Airbase commanders all around NORTHCOM are reporting a Facebook outage on their computers, along with lowered morale, and even armed gangs in the streets," explained Maj. Gen. Richard Clark, 8th Air Force commander, during an emergency meeting at Air Force Global Strike Command headquarters. "I tried contacting the comm squadron for help, but they haven't picked up. Probably just a coincidence."

While the cause of outage isn't clear, it has caused significant unrest among the lower ranks, as junior airmen and NCOs now have to focus on work instead of messaging their Dungeons & Dragons teammates. The situation has been exacerbated by rumors of internal sabotage by cyber airmen. Already, dozens of military and civilian personnel have walked out of work and formed a mob in front of the 2nd Communications Squadron.

"I don't get why leadership is telling us not to point fingers — clearly, it was those daggone comm boys!" said a visibly irritated Sr. Airman Mark Gibbons, a weather specialist at the 26th Operational Weather Squadron who left work to join the riot. "Who else would want to block us from getting on Facebook and getting these computers all virusy [sic] and stuff? This is their way of avoiding work by not having to debug our computers every two days!"

A few bases are returning to "a semblance of normal," according to Master Sgt. Chuck Marsh, a NORTHCOM spokesman, with some airmen returning to their regular jobs. Productivity has increased sharply at squadrons and flights whose work mostly involves computers, such as airfield management and personnel, but has remained seriously low in maintenance, construction, and special tactics units. Meanwhile, Public Affairs offices have nearly ceased all operations, as they actually require access to Facebook to do their job.

Senior Army officers at Fort Polk offered assistance in the form of the service's last-remaining messenger pigeon, but had to scrap the plan when the bird flew into a Black Hawk's rotor blades.